The Coffee Philistine does not drink black Coffee. Oh, no. She didn't like black Coffee when she first tasted it, and she doesn't like it now.
The Coffee Philistine didn't like Coffee at all for a very long time. Whenever someone offered a hot drink, she would instead request hot chocolate. Chocolate was her love above all. Hot chocolate with marshmallows was her Coffee shop drink of choice. How small her mind was.
One day she found out about mocha. Coffee and chocolate, mixed, in one drink? This intrigued the Coffee Philistine. With friends in a Coffee shop one fine Saturday she took the leap - she ordered a mocha! Her friend looked at her. "I didn't think you liked coffee." (The friend didn't know to capitalise Coffee.) The Coffee Philistine gave a scathing look. (Not really, but the story reads better that way.) "It's mocha. It has chocolate." The friend gave an understanding nod. The Coffee Philistine took one sip and was in heaven. This truly was the nectar of the deities.
Short on funds, the Coffee Philistine took to drinking instant mocha. First as a treat now and then, later every day. Sometimes twice a day. Coffee shop mocha was still the ultimate goal, but needs must. Then disaster struck. Her lactose intolerance spiked, and she could no longer drink her beloved mocha without stomach cramps. Being a creative type, she thought about what could be done. "What if," she reasoned, "I drank normal Coffee... with cocoa powder in it!" She borrowed her partner's instant Coffee and, with some trepidation, mixed in cocoa powder. She took a sip. And another. It had created a rich, chocolatey flavour completely unlike the mocha she had had to give up. But oh, it was nice.
And a new love was born.
Addiction soon followed. Then the religion. She now capitalises Coffee to show her appreciation.
But creamer and sweeteners are still necessary.
She is a Philistine after all.